On tech neglect

Should social media permissiveness be a new category of 'neglect'?

Photo by Daria Nepriakhina 🇺🇦 on Unsplash

Sami is 13. She has had an iPhone since she was 11. She has had access to Snapchat and TikTok for a couple of years now. She keeps her phone in her room at night. Lately, she hasn’t been sleeping so well. Social media is the last thing she sees before she tries to close her eyes at night. She has started worrying excessively and her algorithm feeds her a constant stream of unrealistic images. She downloads an editing app and asks her mother, Laura, to buy her makeup.

She gets an initial boost of ‘likes’ once she starts editing her images. As time goes on, she posts more frequently but feels that she gets fewer likes. A few anonymous commenters say unkind things and she becomes more obsessive about her makeup and increasingly anxious about going to school. Her mum, Laura, takes her makeup shopping to make her feel better.

A conflict with the school ensues when Sami refuses to remove her makeup. During the conversation with the school’s Deputy, Laura reveals that Sami has become withdrawn and she suspects she is being bullied anonymously by some girls in her grade. Laura asks the school what they have done to protect Sami and mediate these relationships. The school promises to do more.

That night, Sami is awake at 1am scrolling for likes and looking for hidden meaning in every comment.

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The social media landscape is changing faster than society can keep track. It’s not entirely clear what the role of schools is when it comes to social media education and moderation, but as with so many areas that parents were once responsible for — from water safety to nutrition, even to consent education — the prevailing view seems to be that schools will pick up that slack. For some students, with the banning of mobiles at school and in many cases the blocking of social media, school may be the only place where limits are actually set.

I have wondered whether the social contract between schools and families extends to all areas of a student’s life. I used to think that looking after physical and emotional wellbeing was the domain of parents. But on investigation, I discovered that schools being tasked with developing the student’s moral character and discipline goes back a long way. Perhaps the main difference between the 18th century and now is that the path to actualisation and character development is now seen through the lens of individualism, where schools are responsible for not only instilling boundaries and values but doing this in an impossibly individualistic way.

With the loss of so many community institutions — not to mention the loss of the community and values provided by religion — schools have become all things to all families. When it comes to social media, it seems that the provision of protections, boundaries and guardrails also fall to schools. Ironically, the burden falls to schools when it comes to moderating student use and the consequences of free rein in the home. It’s not unusual for pastoral meetings to share a likeness with family counselling, something that pastoral leaders are ill-equipped to provide.

As mandatory child protection reporters, teachers are always alert to cases of neglect, from physical to emotional. But what about digital? Granted, some parents may not know the dangers until it’s too late, but I think we know that not a huge amount of good is coming out of social media, especially for girls. I recently watched an hour-long seminar by Catherine Price about the truly frightening risks students are exposed to online. Not only this, multi-billion-dollar businesses are set up to maximise time spent online, and instead of developing protections, they lobby for greater freedoms.

I thought I was pretty savvy in this area, but I was not. My own kids had time limits and Snapchat and TikTok passed them by as a result, but I take no credit; it’s only by the grace of God that they’re okay. If you want a horrifying snapshot, did you know that Roblox (mainly used by little boys) has an open chat where grown men are free to groom? Do you know the kind of advice Snapchat’s AI chat function is giving your 14-year-old daughter about consent? If you think I’m being alarmist, watch the video.

One of the things that struck me about Catherine’s advice was that it’s ok for our children to hate us momentarily. I often think of Amy Poehler’s brilliant ‘cool mom’ in Mean Girls: “There are no rules in this house. I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!” The desire to make our kids happy is a strong one. Things got out of control in our house in about 2017. We put limits on my girls’ phones and there were actual tears. I was not cool mom¹.

I’d like to see a digital social contract in place between parents and schools. Once a school takes responsibility for boundaries, friendships and wellbeing, the school is potentially the source of resentment by families when magic wands cannot be waved. Of course, schools can educate and mitigate, but as soon as students leave the grounds, many are going straight back into the lion’s den. It might be time for schools to delineate exactly what the roles and responsibilities are when it comes to online activity. Safety starts in the home.

1. It sounds like I’m blaming mums. I’m not. Dads are often even more ‘cool dad’ than mums. Gender is irrelevant. Likewise, Sami could as easily be a Sam who is up all night playing Fortnite, which has its own problems.